Twinship- The Beauty and Challenges of Twins

Having a twin can be one of life’s greatest gifts. No other relationship starts like twins – they literally come to life together, and are already familiar with each other’s presence, movements, and closeness.

The special relationship between twins, twinship, can provide each twin with deep love, security, comfort, and support. It can feel reassuring to know someone understands you in a unique way, effortlessly, someone who has shared your experiences from the very beginning.

Yet there is more to twinship than merely in-built closeness, and understanding its role in twins’ lives, its unique influence on other relationships, and how we, caregivers, can support twins to thrive in and outside of it is worth taking a deeper look at.

Twinship Is Its Own Psychological Phenomenon

Dr. Barbara Klein explains how Twinship isn’t just about being born a twin. It has other characteristics that affect twins’ attachment, development, learning, and life.

Unlike singlets, who are attached to their primary caregivers, and as they grow (around the age of 8-9 months), begin to separate emotionally, physically, and mentally, and learn that they are individual people, twins go through additional separation.

Twins are attached to one another, emotionally and mentally. Most of their early memories and experiences are together. They often spend more time together than with their caregivers. This means that they take comfort in each other’s company, they can co-regulate, and their sense of identity forms within each tier’s orbit. Thus, attachments with caregiving aren’t done individually (more on that later), but they are also attached in a triad. There is a ME, and US (both twins), and THEM (the other twin). Yet when separation isn’t happening early in life (when twins aren’t offered opportunities to individuate), the lines can be blurry at times about where I end, and my twin begins.

When twinship develops with each twin’s strong sense of identity, it can become a beautiful and lasting connection. Twins learn, over time, how they wish to relate to one another. While nurturing their self-esteem and sense of identity, by exploring hobbies, passions, spending time apart and building relationships outside the twinship, twins can discover the level of closeness they enjoy, the boundaries they need (emotional, mental, and physical), and the ways they best connect while still remaining individuals.

When The Pressure to Closeness Increases

When closeness is forced, when individuality is overlooked, or when one or both twins feel pressured into a relationship that does not reflect their emotional needs, the twin bond can also become a source of frustration, resentment, anxiety, or pain.

Despite our desire that our twins will be best friends and remain close, we cannot create twinship for twins. We cannot force connection, friendship, or emotional closeness. Twinship develops gradually and uniquely within each pair, shaped by personality, temperament, life experiences, and choice. In fact, when twins feel pressure to maintain their sanity, not to venture outside their twinship boundaries, and not to express opposing feelings and needs, it backfires in later years.

When twins grow up with an illicit or explicit message that sameness and closeness are preferred (when we dress them the same, give them identical toys, apply pressure to share and include each other in play and activities), twins internalize the message that they ought to stay together.

While they do seek each other’s company, and perhaps enjoy being together, when there is no space to be alone, to say no, to be an individual with personal needs, feelings, and thoughts, twins can find it hard to feel confident on their own, make decisions without checking in with their co-twins, pursue passions, academic paths, and even romantic relationships. 

For some, when they get to a point where the need to individuate isn’t possible to contain anymore (oftentimes in adolescence), the rupture can be hard on one or both.

Therefore, caregivers play an important role in supporting twins’ closeness (they are undoubtedly close) while offering opportunities to spend one-on-one time with peers, engage in activities on their own, nurture their personal growth, friendships, and participation in different sports or extracurricular activities. We can offer two different things rather than two identical ones (sweets, clothes, backpacks, presents, shoes, etc.). This helps twins learn that they can still be twins, even when the gifts are “Fair and equal”. It can help them feel comfortable exploring their individual needs and feelings without fearing they might fracture their bond or be “less close” for having different thoughts, needs, and wants than their co-twin.

Parents and caregivers support this process, which is instrumental in nurturing each twin’s confidence in expressing who they are and recognizing each other’s rights to be individuals who are also twins (vs identifying as a twin as their primary sense of identity). Some twins may naturally seek constant companionship, while others may need more independence and separation. Both are valid. A healthy twinship is not measured by how inseparable twins appear, but by whether both children feel respected, safe, and free to be themselves within the relationship.

About Twin Loyalty

Twins can have a strong sense of loyalty to one another. This is partially due to their relationships, but is also often a result of parental and/or familial expectations to care for one another. While sibling duty has its place in any family, the picture can look different for twins. There can be an expectation from caregivers that twins need to look out for each other, keep each other company, and support each other no matter what. This can sometimes override personal feelings about being together, including each other in play or friendships, and even keeping secrets from partners. 

Twinship can often nurture twin roles. One might be a Caretaker, while the other becomes a Taken-cared-for. This can be a natural development of their personalities, or combined with some expectations from parents for them to care for each other (the protective brother, the caring sister, the “strong/big/healthy” twin vs the “small, vulnerable/ fragile” twin). While these roles can be a natural, nurturing dynamic in twinships, it is important for caregivers to pay attention to each twin’s experience of them. Is the Caretaker feeling comfortable expressing uncertainty, needs, and asking for help? Is the Taken-cared-for internalizing a certain level of helplessness, or feeling that they aren’t strong/capable enough to do things on their own?

If you suspect either or both twins are struggling with their current dynamic, and they are “playing their role” out of loyalty (or otherwise, are stuck in their role), it is prudent to engage, and offer each children opportunities to be vulnerable, ask for help, exercise autonomy and agency, take a leading role, follow the other, and experiment with the full spectrum of emotional needs.

When twins do not build strong, personal relationships with caregivers (meaning they are not offered to twin apart, and are socialized in tandem), and twins begin to “parent” each other, the twinship can become a twin’s primary relationship.

Twins may then feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for one another, supporting each other emotionally beyond their appropriate age, relying on each other for help and guidance, at times at the expense of seeking support from their caregivers. In these instances, loyalty can be a tricky territory to navigate. One twin may get into mischief (and later into some less savory activities), and ask, or rather expect, their twin to keep informed of their partners. Dr. Nancy Segal addresses this issue in more detail in her book Twin Mythconceptions.

While loyalty can be a wonderful trait where twins truly care deeply about each other’s well-being, our job, as caregivers, is to ensure each child knows that there are things for adults to help with, and if something isn’t right, they can feel safe to share with us so we can step in and help in times of need.

Quick to Escalate, Quick to Make Up

It is very common for twins to go from a small conflict into a full-blown fight, and just as quickly, cool down and be best friends again. Parents and caregivers often marvel at this, wondering how it is possible and why it is happening.

Simply put, twins practice the art of relationships very early in life. As mentioned above, they arrive at life in a relationship and work out its nuances, intricacies, and challenges ahead of time, before they have the skills, tools, and strategies to navigate it effectively. 

Their innate closeness, which tends to draw them together, coupled with their lived experience (where they share toys, space, room, and practically everything from day one), can often trigger intense fights seemingly in no time. While they are still acquiring and cultivating socio-emotional skills to express feelings, deal with frustration and disappointment, and develop empathy, their immediate environment pushes them to navigate challenging moments with less skill but with a lot of passion.

Because they are so used to each other’s company, co-regulate, and support each other, these conflicts often lead to quicker resolutions, too. Twins are, in a way, experts on relationships a lot earlier than the rest of us. These somewhat challenging early years, where they master the art of conflict, emptiness, sharing, surprising one another, and caring for one another, will serve them well in adulthood and in their prospective romantic relationships.

When they truly enjoy each other’s company, feel emotionally safe together, and choose to nurture that connection themselves, twinship can become something deeply meaningful and magical.

What we can do is provide opportunities rather than expectations. We can give twins space to develop as individuals, support their separate identities, and allow their relationship to grow at its own pace. When twins are free to choose one another, rather than feeling obligated to remain connected, their bond is often stronger, healthier, and more genuine.

Byline

Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with over 16 years of experience working with twins. She holds a degree in early childhood teaching, is a certified sleep consultant, postpartum doula, infant massage instructor, and antenatal educator.

She supports twin parents worldwide from pregnancy through age five with antenatal classes, postpartum support, sleep consultation, and parental guidance. Her classes and consultations are offered online and in person.

Wesbite: www.twinfullife.com

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