Letโs look at two examples โ one for a young child and one for a teenager:
Young Child Example โ Time-Outs
Scenario:ย ย Your four-year-old child is jealous because itโs your two-year-oldโs birthday and all the attention is on your two-year-old.
Behaviour of Concern:ย ย Your four-year-old dumps their food on the floor.
If you go the punishment route, you will likelyโฆ
get mad at them
take away a privilege
give them a time out on a chair or โnaughty stepโ
send them to their room
While sitting in time-out your childโฆ
will likely continue to be really angry inwardly or outwardly
be thinking even worse thoughts about their younger sibling and be wishing their sibling didnโt exist and then this would never have happened!
be mad at you because you donโt understand how theyโre feeling
will plan what revenge will look like the next time Mom/Dad are not looking
What will your child have learned from this time-out?
Revenge is the only way to make this fair
Iโll be more sneaky about my revenge
My parents donโt understand how I feel so thereโs no point trying to tell them
My parents love my younger sibling more than they love me (this is their perception from how this incident is handled)
On the other hand, you could handle this same situation by using it is an opportunity to teach emotional intelligenceโฆ
In this scenario, you use a logical consequence (the definition of consequence from the school of behavioural psychology, is whatever happens after a behaviour occurs).
You see the food get dumped on the floor and you describe what just happened.
Parent: โOh my, you just dumped your food on the floor.โ
Then you reflect on their feelings:
Parent: โYou are really mad. Something is really bothering you. You are feeling really upset.โ
Child angrily says: โI donโt want it to be his birthday. Itโs not fair that he gets so many presentsโ.
Parent then validates what they heard and then helps the child identify what this big feeling is:
Parent: โOh you wish it wasnโt your brotherโs birthday and youโre feeling really jealous that he gets presents and you donโt.โ
Child gives you confirmation that youโre on the right track: โYes itโs not fair!โ
Parent validates again: โYouโre really mad because it just doesnโt seem fair that your brother gets all these presents. Youโre feeling really jealous and wish that you were getting presents too.โ
Child: โYeahโ
If child has calmed down enough to do some problem-solvingโฆ
Parent: โWe all get big feelings sometimes and I can see why youโre so upset but itโs not okay to throw your food on the floor. This is damage to the floor and now itโs time to repair the damage. Iโll help you find some rags and you can help wipe up the food from the floor.โ
(As child is only four, parent helps and trains child on how to clean up the mess on the floor.)
Later, perhaps at bed-timeโฆ
Parent recaps what happened at dinner and helps child realize that this was jealousy. They discuss what would be a better way of expressing these big feelings. Parent models how child can say โIโm so mad. Itโs not fair. He gets presents and I donโtโ. Parent checks that the child understands what jealousy means and explains that we all feel jealous sometimes. (This is how we build emotional intelligence โ the ability to identify and manage our emotions.)
What will the child have learned from this course of action?
โ My parents do understand me
โ My parents support me with my BIG feelings
โ My parents have taught me what jealousy is
โ When I make the wrong choice, I can make amends and do the repair work
โ I can work through my big feelings of jealousy by talking about them with my parents and then the feelings donโt feel so big anymore and I realize I actually am happy to have a brother
โ I can use my words to tell people how Iโm feeling
Teenager example: Grounding
Scenario and Behaviour of Concern: Your teenager stays out past curfew and comes face-to-face with their parents in the driveway as their date is dropping them back home.
If you go the punishment route, you will likely:
โ get really mad
โ ground your kid for at least a couple of weeks
โ threaten that your teen is no longer allowed to date
While storming off to her room, your child will likely:
be planning revenge on you
be planning how they can still see their partner and communicate with them even more
be idealizing their partner and feeling even more attached to them now that their parents want to separate them
vow to be more sneaky next time
be thinking that they hate their parents
What will your teen have learned from this grounding?
If they want to hurt me, Iโll hurt them more
They are not the boss of me and I will get revenge
My parents are so controlling, they have no idea what itโs like to be a teenager these days
If they try to separate us, weโll be inseparable
On the other hand, you could handle this situation with an unexpected consequence:
Parent: We see that you have come home past your curfew. We have been very worried. Weโll talk about this in the morning. (This gives parents time to carefully think of their consequence and the teen is left wondering what is going to happen.)
Next morningโฆ
Parents: Last night we were very worried when you didnโt come home by your curfew. We were very concerned and upset when you made the choice to stay out late with your new partner. (Parents are returning responsibility to the teen).
As repair for this breaking of trust, we would like you think of how you can make amends. We also want to feel more comfortable knowing who youโre spending your evenings with, so we want you to invite your partner to have a family dinner with us.
Teen: Sorry Mom/Dad, I know I lost track of the time and Iโm sorry that you were worried. Iโll make it up to you, but please donโt make them come to dinner. I actually think Iโd rather you ground me than make them come to a family dinner!
Parents: We need to feel more comfortable with this situation and we will arrange a family dinner for them to attend this weekend. In the meantime, please let us know your plan for making amends and taking the steps toward rebuilding our trust. To be able to have freedoms, we need to be able to trust you.
What Will Be The Outcome of This Consequence?
Your teen will know that you care and that this is a very fair consequence.
They will most likely dread having their partner over for dinner (a logical consequence) but now you are not pushing them closer, you are just wanting to get to know this new partner โ this takes away the power struggle.
You are putting the responsibility on your teen to come up with a way to make amends to you, for breaking your trust by not being home by curfew. Once the situation has calmed down, and the time has come for your teen to go out again one night, you can proactively discuss how theyโre going to be sure to be home by curfew. For example, they could set an alarm on their phone, 30-45 minutes before their curfew.
This is a complete shift in parenting from the punishment days, but the current parenting research shows that when we coach our children and use logical consequences versus top-down controlling and punishing, we teach them to be more responsible and better at thinking through their choices.
Warmly,
Sharon Selby, MA, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, with over 20 yearsโ experience counseling children and families. She is the author of the childrenโs book, Surfing the Worry Impโs Wave, where you can find more information about the strategies recommended in this article. To receive her free ebook: 8 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Your Child is Anxious, go to www.SharonSelby.com/free
Babies donโt know how good they have it. Especially when their parents inviteย guests over for dinner. Babies get to suck their toes at the dinner table. No oneย else gets to suck their toes at the dinner table. Babies get to stare at people.
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