(And What to Do About It)
Today’s parents are far more committed to developing strong, loving connections with their kids than previous generations. But one of the things I encounter in my practice as a child and family psychologist is how difficult that is for most parents in the 21st Century. The chief culprit? I’ll say it out loud, but I bet you already know the answer: It’s those darn screens—and not just your kid’s screens, but likely yours as well.
I think, as we all know, phones, tablets, and gaming systems are a massive time suck that crowd out spending time together as a family. What parents haven’t felt in competition with screens? And it’s hardly a fair fight, is it? Try getting a kid off their phone and out of their bedroom when devices have been engineered to perfection to keep and hold their attention.
If you’re looking for ways to better connect with your child or teen, you’ll get the most bang for your buck if you focus on one thing: Reducing your family’s screen time. I’m going to make three recommendations for you and your family that are entirely doable and that I think you’ll really love.
1. Get off your own screen and lead by example! This seems obvious, but your kid gets equally annoyed with you when they finally want to talk about something, and now they’re competing with your phone! The term I love that describes what it’s like for the kid when their parent is glued to a screen is an absent presence.
You’re in the same room, sure, but nobody’s home. And don’t we throw out the same responses our kids give us? “Uh Huh,” “One second,” “Did you say something?” Try to be mindful of how much time you spend on your phone and make a concerted effort to set the thing down, especially during those times of the day when your child or teen is more likely to be just hanging around.
2. Next, Family Time. I love this one, and although it’ll take your kids a week or two to stop grousing about it, they will eventually. Family Time is about an hour or two every day, during which the entire family sets their devices up on the kitchen counter, and everyone is screen-free. I recommend doing this around dinnertime, and if you aren’t doing family dinners, now’s a good time to recommit to them. An hour or two gives plenty of time for an unhurried meal and some conversation and provides enough time to play a board game or watch a family movie together (family movies all together is the one screen exception).
A magical thing happens when kids can’t be on a device. They don’t have nearly the same incentive to hole up in their bedrooms, so they naturally wander out looking for something to do. And usually that something is their parents. You don’t need to entertain them during Family Time, every kid can find something to do. And don’t force the “family” part, all you want is for your kids to be without their screens. Spending time with family will happen organically, so we need to force it.
3. Supersize family time on the weekends. I recommend four hours without screens on both Saturdays and Sundays. This opens up plenty of time to resume weekend outings. Remember those? Your teen won’t be as wild about going to the zoo as when they were five, but when you’re not competing for a screen anymore, you’d be surprised how often a bored kid will agree to go on some sort of family outing and probably even enjoy it.
As I said, kids will complain when you start Family Time (“This is stupid”), but they settle into it after a week or two, and the grousing (mostly) stops.
When you’re able to get a kid (and yourself) off screens on a daily basis, your best ally for developing a stronger connection is now in play: time. This includes time for conversations, time for activities together, time to be playful and laugh, and on and on.
I promise, your kids want to spend time with you and connect—they just need a little help from you to unplug so you can tune in.
Dr. Paul Sunseri is a clinical psychologist with over four decades of experience working with oppositional kids and their families. His new book, GENTLE PARENTING REIMAGINED: How to Make It Work with Oppositional and Defiant Kids, is on sale now.
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