It happens every day. A young girl walks into a room, and someone says, “You’re so pretty,” or “What a cutie.” These compliments are offered with love, but when appearance becomes the focus of praise, it can shape how girls come to see their own worth.
We now know that self-esteem starts to take root in childhood. According to Dove, by adolescence, half of girls already dislike something about how they look, and over 60 percent feel pressure to be beautiful. This is not a coincidence. It is a reflection of the messages they receive, and the words we use.
Young girls are regularly complimented on how they look. These compliments start early, often from the moment they are born. Over time, this constant focus on appearance can teach girls that beauty matters most.
As a woman and mother myself, I have seen and experienced how these messages become internalized. When girls believe they need to look a certain way to be accepted, they may begin to question their abilities, suppress their opinions, or avoid new challenges. Over time, this can chip away at their confidence and carry through adolescence and beyond.
The good news is that we can make a difference by starting with small changes in the way we speak.
Shifting our praise doesn’t mean we can’t call girls beautiful. It means we expand the vocabulary we use, helping them see the full picture of who they are.
Here are five ways to reframe compliments at home and in the classroom:
Instead of just saying “You’re so pretty,” try “I noticed how hard you worked on that book report.” Effort-based praise builds resilience and encourages a growth mindset.
Call out courage, empathy, curiosity, or leadership. Say, “You were really patient with your brother today,” or “That took a lot of bravery.”
Rather than landing specifically on a physical trait of your child’s, you can highlight how they amplify what is special about them just by being who they are. So instead of “your eyes are so bright and sparkly” you could try “I love how the green sweater you chose matches your bright and sparkly personality.”
Slip a message into a lunchbox or write affirmations on the bathroom mirror to serve as a reminder throughout the day. These small affirmations can make a big impact.
Kids mirror what they see. Compliment friends, family, and even yourself for more than looks. Let them hear what it sounds like to celebrate qualities outside of appearance.
Words matter because they tell children what is valued. When girls are seen and celebrated for their whole selves, not just how they look, they build the kind of confidence that doesn’t rely on appearance.
That inner strength becomes a buffer against peer pressure, anxiety, and the constant comparisons of adolescence. It helps them show up fully in the world, knowing they are enough just as they are.
Changing the compliment is a small shift that opens the door to something bigger. It teaches our girls that they are here to live, to lead, and to be seen for the depth and strength they already carry.
Helping children grow into confident, resilient people takes time, support, and intention. That’s why I’ve partnered with Dove on the #ChangeTheCompliment campaign. Through the Dove Self-Esteem Project, families and educators can access free, expert-informed resources to build body confidence in girls.
To learn more visit: www.dove.com/ca/en/dove-self-esteem-project/women.html.
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe is a parenting educator, best-selling author, international speaker, and founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic. With over 25 years of experience as a psychologist and now educator in child development and family-centered care, she helps parents and educators raise emotionally healthy children. Learn more at www.drvanessalapointe.com
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