Sure, these things are always nice. Every kid enjoys getting something new or going to an exciting theme park.
But what all children truly yearn for goes much deeper. It doesnโt involve fancy clothes, the latest electronics, pricey trips, or even a high-brow education.
Every child wants to know three things:
- Am I seen?
- Am I worthy?
- Do I matter?
When a person feels seen, feels worthy, and feels they matter, they grow up to live an empowered life.
It isnโt gadgets, clothes, vacations, or even the best of educations that enable a child to feel good about themselves. The key to how they see themselves and feel about themselves lies in how we see them, how we feel about them โ and this is reflected in the connection we experience with them.
Itโs through our gaze, our presence, our attention that our children grow up with a strong sense of self. We communicate their importance in all our everyday interactions with them.
When children arenโt valued for who they are rather than for what they achieve, they grow up anxious and may well become depressed.
Many of our young people are so deprived of our attention โ of simply being seen for who they are โ that they self-harm. Getting drunk, taking drugs, engaging in inappropriate sexual relations, even cutting themselvesโall of these are cries for our attention, manifestations of a deep yearning to be seen and known.
A child develops a solid sense of self when who they intrinsically are is seen and affirmed. A sense of their worth springs from whether we truly connect with them as an individual whoโs unique, not a clone of ourselves or someone in our fantasy.
โDo you see me?โ This is the big question your child is asking every day. โCan you see me for who I am, separate from your dreams and expectations for me, separate from your agenda for me?โ
A child doesnโt need to be a superstar to be valuable. To simply be ordinary is perfectly okayโto be just the way they are, and know they are treasured.
It isnโt enough to tell your child you love them. They need to feel lovable within themselves.
A sense of their worth flourishes when the way we look at them, the way we listen to them, and the way we speak to them reflects just how lovable they are. This is how we empower themโhow we draw out in them the powerful sense of self that will carry them successfully through life.
Dr. Shefali is a world-renowned wisdom-teacher, acclaimed author, clinical psychologist, and international keynote speaker.
