The Hidden Blame Mothers of Autistic Children Face

Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of an autistic child comes with additional challenges. These parents carry many unseen and unacknowledged responsibilities. Beyond attending to their child’s physical, mental, emotional, sensory, and communication needs, mothers frequently take on advocacy roles in the educational and medical systems, while also facing financial strains from costly therapies and support. On top of this, they quietly bear the weight of judgement and misunderstanding in environments that are not always neuroinclusive.

This list, while extensive, does not capture every challenge faced. The mothers I work with often report difficulty sleeping and managing their own basic health needs, not only due to the physical demands of parenting, but also to the emotional load that they carry. This burden is typically invisible, even to their closest friends and family. Each situation is deeply personal to each family’s experience. These challenges are intensified when political leaders unjustly target mothers, blaming them for seeking pain relief during pregnancy.

When autism becomes a topic in the news, especially by those without personal or professional experience, the impact on mothers can be profound. It amplifies blame on mothers adding to their feelings of guilt and isolation. Recent claims that Tylenol use in pregnancy can cause autism, are just one example of the narratives that deepen the emotional burden. It’s no surprise that mothers of autistic children face greater risk of chronic stress-related and mental health conditions. Instead of blame, these mothers need compassion, clear information, and genuine support. 

The History of Maternal Blame

Maternal blame is not new. In the 1940s, the “refrigerator mom” theory claimed autism was caused by cold, unloving mothers. Years later, mothers were expected to act as unpaid therapists, for hours each day on structured behavioural programs, requiring many to leave the workforce. And when a false MMR vaccine study was published in the 1990s, it was mothers again who carried the guilt. The claims around Tylenol today echo this same cycle: a theory without clear evidence that lands directly on mothers’ shoulders. 

Why Blame Fails

Internalized blame experienced by mothers can contribute to isolation, guilt, and shame, increasing stress in a population that already carries a heavy emotional load. This contributes to heightened anxiety, and depression by reinforcing negative self-perceptions and undermining self-worth. This internal struggle often occurs quietly, remaining unrecognized, specifically, by the individual experiencing it. Rather, parents feel overwhelmed, fatigued or even numb.This chronic internal distress can trigger physiological responses such as elevated cortisol and inflammation which can impair immune function and increase risks for physical health issues. Overall, guilt, blame and shame harm wellbeing by depleting the emotional resources needed for resilience and self-care, thereby reducing nurturing connection, and access to meaningful support. 

Creating Resilience

Internalized blame can harm health and wellbeing, but relief and resilience are possible through support and strategies. When mothers are supported, by themselves and by others, children have the best opportunities to thrive. I’ve witnessed this firsthand during workshops I’ve participated in and led. The moment an overwhelmed and unsupported mother hears someone say, “me too,” the sense of validation and relief is truly tangible. 

When facing pressure from false narratives, pause to acknowledge how you feel, and prioritize your own wellbeing.This not only benefits you but also sets a positive example for your family, promoting connection and self-compassion.

To bolster resilience:

1. Strengthen Your Mindset

Adopt a mindset of fierce self-compassion and present awareness to acknowledge your unique challenges and direct your attention to what really matters. Gently reframe negative thoughts, and value your own experiences without external judgements. 

2. Resist the Urge to Isolate

Seek and accept support rather than managing everything alone. A strong support network offers validation, understanding and encouragement, alleviating toxic stress and burnout. Support can come from trusted friends and family, structured support groups for neurodivergent families, or professionals like counselors or therapists to help name and process your emotions. 

3. Regulate your Nervous System 

Internalized blame can trigger stress and dysregulation, so it’s important to establish a personal practice for regulating the nervous system. For many of the moms I work with, traditional stress management methods don’t always align, so accommodations to mindfulness practices including sensory supported breathwork, weighted items, movement pairing, or structured calming rituals rather than attempting abstract methods can be effective. 

4. Prioritize Positivity 

Small moments of joy can boost our emotional balance.Though negative emotions arising from stress are unavoidable, even minor positive experiences can make it easier to cope with stress more effectively. 

5. Daily Movement

Gentle movement reduces cortisol and releases endorphins, improving mood. Engaging in enjoyable activities, especially outdoor walks, enhances this effect. Regular movement also improves sleep quality, optimizing our overall wellbeing. 

6. Setting Boundaries

Establish limits on media consumption and disable notifications. Engage with supportive individuals and distance yourself from unsupportive influences. 

Supporting Resilience

In an ideal world, news media would report information accurately and compassionately, including the voices of those affected. When this isn’t feasible, there are several supportive actions others can take to assist mothers, including: understanding neurodivergence, challenging misinformation, providing emotional support, creating neuroinclusive spaces, and building safe communities for mothers to share their stories and perspectives.

Supporting Moms Benefits Everyone

When mothers feel seen, understood and supported, maternal mental health improves, allowing them to show up more fully for their families. Blame has never moved families forward. Support does. When mothers are supported everyone benefits, including children, families and the communities they belong to.   

Bio

Lauren Bohl is a behaviour change specialist and health and wellness coach for mothers of neurodivergent children, assisting them in reducing stress and establishing sustainable health habits that support engaged parenting. With a background in occupational therapy and personal experience, she provides practical strategies coupled with a compassionate approach to improve her client’s health and wellbeing. Her MamaThrive program is specifically designed for mothers of autistic children, addressing their unique lifestyle challenges while helping them achieve their personal health goals. Learn more at www.mamathrive.ca.